I keep thinking - why has our family been so busy lately and why have I been so stressed out and tired? I've blamed Jef's school, I've blamed our church callings, I've blamed the laundry, the messy house, the playgroup, the holiday rush, recuperating from the holiday rush, the projects we've been trying to do, even the fact that it is February and therefore just a depressing month. These things are all true, but they are not the real issue.
I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that our dear sweet Logan, who I love so much, is a very, very time-consuming baby. More-so than other babies. Much more, more-so. I haven't fully embraced this truth before because I haven't wanted to make him feel bad. I really like him a lot, but it's time to face facts. I thought once he got out of the newborn stage it would help. Then I thought once he had his tube surgery done it would be better. But it's not better - in fact, I think it may actually be getting worse.
I am holding him as I type this. I shower with him crying outside the door. I sleep (in spurts) while holding him. I wear him in my backpack while I cook dinner. Jef and I even took him on a double date with us last weekend because we didn't want to overwhelm the babysitter. After trying to hold him in one arm while simultaneously helping the Wolves with the projects they were doing for Den Meeting this week, I turned to my fellow den leader and exclaimed in exasperation - I might as well just have him surgically attached to me! I've been pondering this idea and am not sure it's such a bad thing.
When I was pregnant with said child and seeing the doctor for one of my final check ups, the doc told me that I seemed very calm for a mother of 4. I loved this compliment (I was nine months pregnant and would have loved ANY compliment.) But then he turned to me and said, "This might be the straw that breaks the camel's back...." I may be adding things to my memory, but I'm pretty sure his voiced echoed and I got the chills when he said that. It was like it was prophetic or something
So, with all due respect to Logan I tell you this. We've given him enough excuses - ear infections, swine flu, Roseola, RSV, colic, allergic reactions, and getting teeth excuses. But I'm tired of excuses. His siblings are growing restless. Jef and I are worn thin. Our Logan has way too much spirit for such a small body to contain!
Anyway, if you've actually taken all of the time to read this really long post that probably sounds quite whiny and complainy hang in there - my point is coming:
In finally accepting the reality I call Logan, I've had a revelation. I am not a camel, I'm a person. This Mommy thing is not just something I am doing until I can get on with my life. It IS what I want to do with my life. I don't even care if Logan never grows out of this stage. I wouldn't trade him or any of my other kids. I am lucky to have him. I going to try harder to put off what commitments are put-off-able and focus on the basics. Relax a little more. Pray a lot more. And just take things one day at a time. I've had some sobering eye-openers lately reminding me how lucky I am to have what I do. Cliche though it may be, I'm thankful to know that Families are Forever.
P.S. Here are some pictures of us.
Understandably jealous Jono. We have not forgotten you! We hope you had a happy third birthday!!
Understandably jealous Jono. We have not forgotten you! We hope you had a happy third birthday!!
Taylor and Jane "helping" him open his new Woody and Bullseye.
The sheriff enjoying his cupcakes served on Lightening McQueen plates while wearing a Diego backpack.
Just a couple of small projects we got done. A coat rack and painting the girl's room. It is fun to have them done, although the room looks much more like rainbow sherbet than I originally anticipated.
Good times at Hogle Zoo with awesome cousins
Logan. You are adorable.